Loss of identity after having a baby

Adjusting to parenthood

Having a baby will change your life. But some new parents find it hard and feel they have lost their identity as an individual. They feel that being a parent is their only identity.

Maybe this is how you feel, but there are many things you can do to help adjust to your new role.

What is loss of identity?

Loss of identity after having a baby means you have lost the sense of the person you were before the birth.

Your sense of identity comes from many things, including your:

• relationships
• friendships
• nationality
• culture
• job
• interests

Having a baby will change many of the things that make you who you are. For example, it can impact your relationships, financial independence and ability to engage in the things you did before becoming a parent.

What are the symptoms of loss of identity?

It's normal to feel tired, worried or unhappy after their baby is born. This does not mean there is something wrong with you, or you are a bad person.

But if you're struggling to understand your thoughts and feelings, or if you're finding it hard to get through each day, then it's important to seek help.

What causes loss of identity after having a baby?

Having a baby can bring great joy and feelings of love. But it can also mean the sudden loss of or changes to parts of your life.

You may feel like you have lost:

• time with your partner and friends
• time to be alone
• confidence in how you look
• social life
• time for leisure activities
• freedom and spontaneity
• professional identity and ability to make money

These changes can happen as soon as your baby is born. Many parents feel unprepared or trapped due to the massive changes in their life.

Remember these feelings are completely normal. They don't mean you don't love your baby or that you aren't doing a good job. It will just take some time to adjust.

What can I do about loss of identity after having a baby?

It takes time to get used to your new identity as a parent and understanding that you still exist as a person. Feeling valued and worthwhile in your new role will help you to feel better about it.

It's important to have realistic expectations about parenting. Try not to compare yourself with other parents, especially in the media or on social media.

Resist reading too much parenting information from untrustworthy sources and trust your own instincts to look after your baby.

Don't get too hung up on comparing milestones with other mothers, especially in a mother's group. There is a wide range of 'normal' for babies and young children. Just like there is a huge range of 'how' you can parent your child.

Self-care tips

It can be challenging adjusting to your new baby but it's also important to take care of your own needs. Here are some ways you can care for yourself:

• Eat a healthy, balanced diet.
• Include exercise in your new routine, it can help improve your physical and mental wellbeing.
• Develop a support network by joining a parenting group or playgroup, which is a good way to meet new people who are at the same stage of life as you.
• Try to rest when you can, like when your baby is resting.
• Limit the amount of work you do around the home, especially when you need to prioritise rest or self-care.
• Get showered and dressed, go out of the house and catch up with family or friends.
• If possible, arrange regular childcare by a relative, friend or occasional care.
• Make time for yourself and ask for help if you need it.

Find more tips about looking after your mental and physical wellbeing.

When should I see a doctor?

Adjusting to your new baby usually happens quite quickly. But if your feelings about losing your identity don't go away, it could be a sign of postnatal depression or anxiety.

Signs of postnatal depression and anxiety may include:

• difficulties bonding with your baby
• feeling sad, worthless, guilty or numb
• mood swings and crying for no obvious reason
• problems concentrating or remembering things
• restlessness and worrying
• sleep problems
• withdrawing from family and friends
• thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

If you think you may have postnatal depression or anxiety, talk to your doctor straight away. There is treatment available to help you.

Resources and support

To look after your baby, you also need to look after yourself. There are plenty of support services that can help.

Start by talking with your doctor or your local child health centre.

Tresillian has a helpline you can call on 1300 272 726. If you're located in Tasmania, call 1300 TAS BUB (1300 827 282).

ForWhen can help new parents or carers find mental health support services nearby, call 1300 24 23 22.

Beyond Blue offers online support, or you can call 1300 22 4636.

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia) has information on mental health problems after pregnancy:

• Call their helpline on 1300 726 306.
• Read resources available in languages other than English.
• Read about support for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people.